Women's Volleyball Olympian Heather Bown
Beijing Women's Volleyball Olympian and Silver Medalist Heather Bown, contributed "her story" exclusively to Volleyball Voices while playing professionally in Italy.
There are a lot of life lessons and experiences to learn from in Heather's story and maybe...you can find some answers to the self discovery that you may be going through right now... Live and Learn courageously.....april
My Story: Heather Bown
When I look back on all the things that influenced and helped me to become the person I am today, I never really realized at that point in time that they were good things. The roads traveled, the decisions, good or bad, made. So I guess it’s not so much a story but a journey. A journey that each of us takes, some in different ways than others. However all the same, we make it. It’s what we call life. Our lives are strange that way. In the end it doesn’t matter where you come from or what you have or don’t have. It comes down to the ideas and desires and dreams that you follow through with, and never let go of.
I believe that the strongest motivators in our lives are our dreams and our desires. People will do almost anything to get what they want…they will work extra hard, they will give up being with friends, being with family. Sacrifice many of the things that other people may take for granted. In the end they are that much stronger and happier for doing so.
As for myself, my journey with sports started when I was really young. I have an older sister and naturally we had sibling rivalry growing up, so anything she participated in, I was close to follow. We were born and raised in the same town our entire lives. Only moving once, from one side of town to the other…so in that respect I guess I was fortunate in not completely changing my surroundings.
However, even with that I still found it hard to make friends, I was a bit of a loner in school, never really fitting in. I was always the tallest in my class and for that as you can imagine didn’t fair well with the other kids…I was different, and at that age different wasn’t a good thing. I didn’t understand it then, but I understand it better now.
My being different set me apart from the others, I had an ability within me that I had not yet learned about. Through my years in elementary and junior high I was usually found playing Hand or Tether ball on the blacktop. I don’t even know if they still play those games now…but my mother always said if there was a game with a ball involved I was playing it. Again, I didn’t see any connection.
When I got to High School, I once again followed in my sister’s footsteps as I did when I was growing up. She was one year ahead of me in school and she had joined the swim team her freshman year, and I had witnessed how easy it was for her to make friends with her teammates and so I figured I would do the same. It would keep me in my comfort zone.
So there I was a freshman in high school on the swim team…trying to convert my social phobia into making a good teammate and friend for others. It was hard at first, I was so used to not having many friends to be surrounded by so many people all the time was weird for me. However as the year went by I opened up a little more and made a few good friends which also helped me in the transition from junior high to high school. It was a whole different world. So I continued to swim until my junior year in high school when my life took an unexpected turn.
You see its strange why certain people are put in your life…the old saying that everyone is here for a reason…yeah well I believe it now. I had become friends with a girl on the swim team that was also on the school volleyball team. We had become almost connected at the hip we did everything together. However when swim season was over she had her volleyball practices to go to, and once again I was left alone.
High school is a scary place to be when you feel alone. It’s a time in our lives when we are transitioning and questioning everything about us. We seem to be more concerned with what the other kids think of us than what we think of ourselves. We seem to lose sight of the important things. And care more about the superficial ideas and trends of the time. Maybe because I was a bit of a loner I sheltered myself too much, I guess you could call me a nerd if you want.
On the weekends I was at home, I rarely went out I never dated and boys scared the hell out of me. However not always, I mean I had friend from sports, and I could be seen as “one of the guys” but not as a girl they liked. If I had the choice I would choose school over social events. I loved the hard classes like chemistry and physics. I think now it may have been more of an avoidance tactic than anything. If I was busy with sports and school the social scene couldn’t bother me. I had an excuse to not go out. My parents never seemed to notice. It’s funny how we can hide things that are right under their noses.
So anyhow, the end of my sophomore year in high school I figured I would try out for the JV volleyball team. As you can guess…once again I was the tallest on the team, which in my opinion was the only reason I made the team. I mean I was horrible; I couldn’t even pass a ball. I didn’t know the footwork for anything. All of the girls that were there had played club volleyball. I mean I was 16 years old and I was just for the first time picking up a volleyball and playing with girls that had been playing for at least 3 years if not more. I was ridiculously intimidated. My self confidence, which was never high to begin with, fell through the floor. However, I kept trying.
So my junior year I competed on the JV team and had fun, it was so much different from swimming. I mean I could actually talk to other people during practice…swimming was way too difficult, my face always being in the water and all, you could understand. The season flew by and I struggled a lot, but enjoyed myself enough to want to keep at it. However my love was still in swimming.
It wasn’t until I made the decision to join a club in my area that things really started to fall into place for my path in life. As many of you know with Club ball you travel to different tournaments and many college coaches have the opportunity to see all different levels of players. From beginners to advanced and all of us in between. As you can guess I was in the beginner category.
When I returned to High school volleyball the next year (my senior year) they had to put me on the Varsity team because of my age. Now I was excited to be on the team and be able to contribute somehow. So I would go to practice everyday and give my best…even though I was still in the learning phase of that game.
However, I still say that now and it has been 12 years. Nonetheless I learn new things everyday, and I believe that the day I stop learning is the day I retire from the sport.
Anyhow, I honestly can not tell you what brought up the conference between myself and my coach one day, but we had a meeting and in that meeting I heard some of the harshest but at the same time motivating words I think I have ever received in my career.
Now when you are a young player still trying to figure out what you are doing on the court, you really would like to have some support from those that are you superiors, but on this day support was definitely not what I was going to get. In the course of the conversation I was told “you will never be a division one player”. Now he was referring to Division One in High School. In other words, making me doubt myself and my reasons for being on the team. I don’t think I have to tell you that in about 0.1 seconds I started to cry, and cry, and cry. I couldn’t believe it. I mean you go through life with disappointments, and believe me I had had some good ones. However, I wasn’t expecting that from him. So I had to deal with it. I never really understood until the day I started getting letters from schools that were interested in me to come play for them.
Now up to this point I had never even thought about going to college. After the harsh words spoken to me I made a pact with myself that I would do everything in my power to prove him wrong. I would be a Division One player, I would be worth something to the team. So with the letters came also requests to come see me play.
Well you can imagine this posed a bit of a problem, seeing as I never got to play on my high school team. So a coach had contacted my coach to let him and I know he would be attending a game, and gave the exact date of the game he would be attending. So that day comes and you would think that maybe my coach would allow me to play just a few minutes so that the college coach could see what I had to offer…No. not one minute of the game. This coach had driven 3.5 hours to my school to see me play and I sat the entire time. I was devastated, totally lost on the concept that my coach could not allow me the chance to go to college and play. I thought it was all over. Maybe he was right maybe I couldn’t be a D1 player.
But after the game in the parking lot the college volleyball coach said something to me that turned my life around. He said to me that he didn’t have to see me play, that even in warm ups he could see that I was something special. Then he handed me a phone number to call when I got home. It was the Number to the Head Coach of the University…a real D1 University. I was so nervous to make that call; I had no idea what to say. Sometimes the words (would) just come.
So I was off to play in college, my freshman year went as fast a lightening. The transition in playing and learning, and all the new experiences. I was again lost…the only thing I had that was the same was volleyball. So I buried myself in the game and my workouts and tried to learn as much as I could in the short time I had before season started. I still felt so behind everyone else…so it was natural when I didn’t get recognized for things, I would just continue my preparation as if nothing happened, but in my heart I was dying for someone to say hey…"Great job Heather".
It wasn’t until the end of my freshman year when another bomb was dropped on my dreams, almost shattering them again. I had gone into my end of year meeting with the coaches and we had a talk, within the course of the meeting I had mentioned that I wanted them to train me for the 2000 Olympics. I wanted to go to the Olympics! The response I received from one of the coaches was “Don’t set your hopes too high”. Don’t set you hopes too high?!?!?! I was crushed…maybe I had delivered the proposition in the wrong manner…but I was asking for help to become the best player I could be…and I got shot down.
So with a deflated heart I competed another season with the same team, but just could not get myself to really feel alive. So after my sophomore year I transferred schools. Leaving my home state and going quite a bit further than I had ever been before for school and volleyball.
When I arrived to my new home… I hated it… I regretted leaving what I had, and thought maybe I had made the biggest mistake of my life. However, as time always does it showed me that my taking the initiative and moving out of my comfort zone was something that I needed to help me grow. So I was off and running with a new team and a new air about me. I felt free and alive.
After my junior season I was given the opportunity to try out with the national team…my New Coach had arranged for me to be a part of a tryout. I think I almost fainted when he told me, I was terrified. How was I supposed to be able to play with those girls? They were all so experienced and, well… really, really good. I was… well…not those things. So the day of the tryout came and I didn’t even know what my name was I was so nervous. I couldn’t believe that I was actually there…having the chance to be looked at by the national team.
So I made the best of it and just did what I could. Hoping, and praying that it was enough. At the end of the day, I was fortunate enough to be selected to be a part of a group that trained for the World University Games Team in ’99. At that point I thought the hard part was over…but I was way wrong.
Even though in college I was somewhat successful when I got to the national team is was a whole different ballgame, actually it wasn’t even the national team it was the WUG (World University Games)team. I was told I had to lose weight and I couldn’t eat certain foods, I had to drink nothing but water. I mean it was horrible. I had never been flat out told I was overweight. I had always just kind of accepted the fact that I was never going to be skinny like the other players, but it was finally ok with me. I was just comfortable in my skin and I was being told I was not the right image. I couldn’t do it. I began to play badly because I wasn’t happy. My secret has always been that I am happiest when I am playing because I feel free. I was no longer free. I was encaged in an image process. That I didn’t know how to be.
So needless to say that summer was the hardest on me psychologically. I had to really get to know me for me and really love who I was in order to make it through. I learned that there are a lot of people out there that believe they know what is best for everyone, when the only person out there that can really answer that question for you is the one that looks you in the mirror every morning. No one else.
You may think things turned all happy and pink once I was on the national team for good. This occurred in Feb of 2000. I left School early, not finishing my degree, and moved to Colorado Springs full time to live and train. Although my confidence grew the more practice I had in both my personal life and professional, I had one more bump to pass over before I was in the clear…it came in the summer of 2001.
I was told by one of my national team coaches that “I thought I was better than I really am on the court”. Now if you can tell me what player in the world can succeed without believing in themselves…since in the past I had learned that I am the only one who can 100%, I would be open to learn. Now this cut me like a knife. I was not expecting it from a coach of mine at this level.
So once again I had to dig deep and confront the ugly monster that was once again stirring. All that I had worked so hard for was demolished in a split second. My self doubt was again in the forefront of my mind. It seems as though no matter where you go or what you do in life there will always be obstacles…be it people or things that will cause you to stop and debate if you are really on the right path in life.
It’s those moments when we really see what we are made of… I had three very defining points when I had to question myself and if it was really worth it. I could have easily listened to others and packed up and gone home…or never even tried in the first place, but I did.
Today I am writing to you from an apartment in Italy where I have been fortunate enough to have spent the last 7 years of my life playing professionally. I have traveled the world and been exposed to different cultures, people, and sights. I have grown up with the world as opposed in the world. None of that would have been possible had I not believed first in myself and loved myself enough to venture away from what was comfortable and easy for me to do.
Challenging myself and pushing myself whether it was on the court, or in the classroom, or in life in general. Like I said before Life is funny that way… you never really know what you are going to be faced with and what will come of it…but just remember, even in the darkest moments of your life something good will come from it.
Just believe that and even if you mess up every once in a while it doesn’t always mean the end of the road; it just means you have to make your own path for a while and who knows what you might find. Sometimes the best things in life are unexpected gifts. So I wish all of you a good journey…and maybe our paths will cross sometime.
Aloha- Heather Bown
